Friend Criteria

Friend prototype; although

shown singly, comes in pairs.

As 1/2 of a mature, awesome couple that's in the success lane, fast-tracking to...something good, we're fairly sure...I have begun to notice some premature maturity (yes, it's a thing) budding here and there in our lives. Like we're much, MUCH more defensive of our bedtimes than we ever have been before. We fight for it, and clutch it close like it's precious, suspiciously eyeing all social invitations for possible sleep-robbery. (Also a thing.) I personally have started to clean. Those who do not know me will not understand what a bizarro alternate universe statement that was, but it is. It seems to be a combination of being ready for when parents visit with little warning, being criticized by friends who can't ignore kitty litter smell quite as well as we can, and...for myself. Because I care. It bothers me. No words for how weird that is.

But mostly our nascent fogey-ness can be seen in our friends. Sure, we have friends who don't fit the profile below, but they are satellite friends, orbiting in and out of one's social circle on their own social trajectories. The people who we see every week and/or day, and who mainly see us in return, fit a very specific profile of premature maturity. (See, saying it twice makes it a thing.)

My sweetie hoards 3 of the 4 Fancy cats - its effin' exciting!

They are cat people. Fancy and Button (friend's names are obviously and deliberately fabricated for their privacy, just in case anyone managed to care enough to Google them) have gone critical, plateauing after the initial outbreak at 4 cats, while Pants and McDuck only occasionally pet-sit McDuck's mother's cat - nonetheless, they are cat people. It counts, believe me - imagine the personality of Scrooge McDuck (hence the moniker) in a man who is mostly sideburns, likes to weight-lift while roaring silently at his own reflection and blasting heavy metal, and who has been known to make people cross the street to walk on the other side when he comes bearing down on them on a dark night - this terrifying dude loves holding our fat Lola kitty like a baby and crooning at her about her "diddah kitty pawsy-wawsies," etc.

They are couples. Fancy and Button were recently married, as were a more distant satellite couple that consists of my Sweetie's cousin Wiggles and her man Teach...let me just say, going to two weddings in one summer where you are friends with the couple instead of the children of the attendees makes one feel positively ADULT. Brr.
Add Pants and McDuck, Lit and Linux, Shrinky and her Bill (his name is boring enough to be real), & a few other unmarried-yet-paired types, and we are condemned to social gatherings that will always have an even number of people. What is it about being in a long-term couple that makes single people evaporate like dew in the sunshine? It's not like we play 'No-I-love-you-more' and then start measuring whose relationship is longest. We wait until everyone else goes home before we do that.

C/o madbrewlabs.com

They are nerds. We had a non-nerdy couple, but it broke. Probably not from the combined power of all the nerdy couples they were in keeping with, but it does set a clear precedent; nerdiness reigns supreme. If you don't know how to spoof an IP to stream past caps, stream music and movies for free, love both western cartoons and anime, and at least know what WoW or D&D stand for, we don't love you. We pity you. If, however, you own at least one set of polyhedral die, or have at least one character on our WoW server, we're fine, just fine. Attending the Ren Faire or Forest Fair with us in the summer is bonus points.

This is apparently the trifecta for Responsible Adulthood, and we have all fallen prey. Fancy AND McDuck both OWN THEIR HOMES. At the ages of  23 and 25, respectively. At least Bunny and I rent. With a roommate, even. Ahh, wild youth.