Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Gee, Officer Krupke; It's A Social Disease


I think I might be suffering from Summer Blockbuster Syndrome, a social disease still rampant in America today. As spring begins to blossom into full summer heat, I suddenly come over like an 8-year-old-boy, wanting nothing more than zombie shows, Jurassic Park and Shark Week.

SCIENCE: This is a Pavlovian-esque response to the natural progression of spring to summer as the Earth's rotational axis affords the upper equator greater proximity to the sun in our rotation. After a collective lifetime of summer blockbusters rocking our lives with explosions and cheesy one-liners year after year, we begin to salivate in anticipation at the ringing of the School's-Out-For-The-Summer bell.       --Kana Wanas, PhD

As our house doesn't "do" television, but streams media instead, I don't get as much Discovery, AMC, History or National Geographic Channel as I might otherwise. Those who like to fileshare aren't usually gonna share educational documentaries. But I bitched and whined for like a week, and mah mayunn found me some Shark Week.

It went kind of like this:

Day 1 - Earnestness

Day 4 - Desperation
Day 7 - Creepy psychological warfare

He also got me all 3 Jurassic Park movies, because frankly I couldn't even remember what even happened in the second two. But at least it helped assuage my need for teeth -- I chanted "Sharks on legs" through each set of credits -- and boy, howdy, do they give you teeth. Those Jurassic Park folk love their raptors n' rexes (sp?). From start to finish, the land sharks were the actual stars of the show. I had a ball.

From the cradle... YOUR grave!

But now my final thirst goes unquenched; come on, Walking Dead, update!! The damn show is coming out slower than a Crawler. (See 3rd one down.)   I guess it takes a while when you literally need thousands of extras wearing approximately 14 pounds of make up apiece (according to stats I made up) but I don't care! Find a way, Hollywood! My tiny consumer mind demands blood! Sharks and dinosaurs are not enough to sate the bloodlust of the 8-year-old-boy/Sumerian priest-king I have become.

You made me this way, Hollywood. Don't wimp out on the monster you created. Speaking of which, plot elaboration: are these spiritual or science based zombies? What created them, how can it be addressed? I know it doesn't matter in the face of the horror of people who were once your friends and neighbors -- even family -- trying to eat your face, but I wanna know. Write in an explanation, darn it! Don't make me read the thing. Coz I'll do it! I'm *that* crazy. Crazed by my need for teeth and blood and horror in the sunshine.

Look at me -- I'm rabid for gore. Oh noes! I'm becoming one of themmmarghleblarglenyurrrrrar!

The End -- OR IS IT??? Dun-dun-dunnn.

And now a plagarized bastardized re-envisioned old favorite:

And boy can the lizards leap

Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke,
You gotta understand,
It's just my bringin' up-ke
That gets me out of hand. 
My summers are for action
for Hollywood's "coming attractions"
Leapin' lizards, that's why I'm so fractious!

"More Shark Week, plz!"

(interlude, prancing and choreographed machoness)

Gee, Officer Krupke,
I'm down on my knees,
'Cause no one wants a Kana with a social disease.
Gee, Officer Krupke,
What am I to do?
Gee, Officer Krupke,
Krup you! 


  1. lollerskates, do those come with wheels made special for the grass?

  2. They are actually only approved for the "floor" of a "ROFL".