Friday, April 15, 2011

My New Extreme Sport: Sitting Down

Disgustingly cheerful perkiness c/o:
If you don't know what Zumba is, give it a read!
So, Pants is exercising, and losing hella weight. She is officially "For Zumba". And while I am happy for her, I am an only child, and our first and third thoughts are always: But What About Me? The second one is of course Good For Her, How Nice, but it's in a sandwich of meMeME, and ain't nothin' competing with that. So I started exercising, three days ago. I am officially in Phase One.

Spoiler Alert: Phase One sucks. It is the magical time when you are still fat and icky, and now sore and stiff, so the small amount of physical activity that you weren't afraid to do is now screamingly difficult. In that you can barely stop yourself from screaming. My house is three floor's worth of stairs. Imagine my joy when after an exhausting Costco run with Sweetie's parents, (Me. Alone. With them. Yikes.) I am expected to haul all my ├╝ber-consumer plunder up those stairs. I had just wrestled the Worst Cart In Existence* all over a superstore as it became increasingly heavier, and I was already Glimmering, which would be called sweating if I were a boy. Girls glimmer. They just do. They also whimper when faced with the Stairs of Doom.

Deep breath...
...for the whimper
I technically made it. Some of my dignity did, too. And THEN I worked out, like I hadn't already been for hours with EvilCart. And then, showered, re-dressed in normal people clothes, and ready to do some blog doodles, I was confronted with the Freefall Zone. This is a concept pretty well-known to pansy-ass exercisers like myself, who notice as their muscles creak and twinge in open rebellion, that there is a certain distance one can no longer sustain muscular control over while sitting down. This is most noticeable in low seats, like low-riding cars or old saggy couches. There is a zone of freefall, where you just aim your achey ass and then let gravity take over, and just hope for the best. And the landings are simply a joy, especially since your newly increased muscle density causes you to fall like a thrown rock. And the involuntary pain/effort noises totally don't make you sound like an old man after a hard day at the factory. </lies>
Freefall Zone
I now really sympathize with the elderly infirm. (I only empathized before.) It sucks to be in muscular distress, and to just sort of controlled-fall onto seats and deal with the pain of impact as collateral damage because you can't do anything else. And it's bad enough even knowing that mine is merely temporary, and not only that, it's also a hallmark of positive change; this is a part of becoming fitter. I have it way easier and I know it. Even if it is now my Extreme Sport. Hopefully there will be a pill for that nonsense by the time I'm a septuagenarian. Or at least have legalized physician-assisted suicide. ...j/k?

Evil c/o
* HoneyBunny's poor father PapaBill had gotten knocked over by one of those forklift things they drive around in Costco, and he was limping when he brought me my cart, so I didn't have the heart to tell him he'd found The Cart of Ultimate Suck. It veered strongly to the right, so I had to overcompensate to the left; it was impossible to steer in a straight line, and I made only vague zigzag progress, frequently having to lift my laden cart with just upper body strength to realign with the proper direction. I hit many things, although not any people -- but it was a close-run thing.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm sorry all my doodles have been in black and white lately. It's part of my frantic effort to maximize my time-effectiveness -- I get off work @ 6, make & eat dinner, exercise for at least an hour, shower, clean up the kitchen, get ready for tomorrow, and THEN am allowed to do something fun. This is usually about 10-something at night. Sleep is usually the favorite candidate by that point, but at least I'm trying. :)
4/18 UPDATE FOR Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress, who said:
where do i sign up for this new exercise regime 'cause i tried zumba for the first (AND LAST) time last week and i am still dying a slow death from my embarrassment. 

Well, Elizabeth, here's my foray into fitness:
Click to enlarge
So first, much MUCH stretching -- I use the ones over here on the left, since I do pretty much only thigh and gut exercises (problem areas REVEALED).  I do a 40-count on each stretch, so it takes awhile - but that's supposed to be the minimum amount of time to hold a stretch so that it actually DOES anything. Otherwise you're just practicing looking stupid, with no muscular benefit. So..."just do it," I guess? The 6th one down is the one I get the most out of -- and where I need it most, it's the big sore-spot. I sometimes do this one by itself in the morning if I'm stiff from yesterday's foolishness workout.

 Then 3 minutes apiece for these guys:
Standing oblique crunch

Side high-kicks
I will start doing 5 minutes apiece this week. Oh, funsies.

Then 20 minutes of watching anime running on the elliptical, take the stairs at my house two at a time for 5 minutes (trust me it's plenty) and then do the stretches again. It takes a little more than an hour, which is target for raised heart-rate. Wooo. No perkiness here; just a need for my upper legs to not look like canned clam chowder.


  1. where do i sign up for this new exercise regime 'cause i tried zumba for the first (AND LAST) time last week and i am still dying a slow death from my embarrassment.

  2. As long as you don't fall onto the toilet and crack your tailbone. As for black doodles, as long as they're on here I don't care what color they are.

  3. Holy mother. I may have to work up to this. I've decided to sign up for the exercise plan that only involves laying down and eating hash browns.

    Thank you for spelling it out for me. You're my fitness guru. But in this fitness relationship, there will be no actual exercising on my end. Just so we get the relationship off to an honest start.

  4. Ha ha -- sounds fair, Elizabeth! I appreciate a relationship built on honesty... I feel confident now that you'll still respect me in the morning. :)