Monday, April 29, 2013

Roughing It, OR: I'm Trying, Subway, I'm Trying

"Goody gumdrops, I was up all night fantasizing about fucking fiber. You know that feeling when you get a belly full of fiber and you can skip round the room taunting everybody who didn’t get theirs? Remember all those times in your life when you stopped strangers in the street and screamed at them, I NEED SOME FIBER!"
-- Dylan Moran
 
 
Lies, and corruption -- sums it up nicely, I feel.

All these health nuts (I always think of someone in workout clothes painfully trying to masticate whole walnuts when I hear that phrase) who warble on about the marvels of kelp or a new 45-ingredient salad they've discovered, I go to my happy place. There's mountains of mashed potatoes there, erupting melty butter that flows into lakes of real gravy, amid rough breaded foothills of fried chicken. It is glorious. I frolic there until the unwanted nut has begun to witter about something else, essential oils* or yoga or whatever else they talk about.
 
I lost my weight by not exercising, and eating empty/low-calorie foodstuffs -- no, not actual foods, just foodstuffs -- like Kraft cheese singles. I hate vegetables. If I try to force them down it is quite literally, factually, nauseating. I had to throw away a perfectly good dose of Caesar dressing and fancy Gorgonzola crumbles last week because they were on a salad I could not bring myself to take more than two bites of. Just "making" myself eat them is not working; so now a mystical journey to the heart of all things, like how to make me enjoy roughage. Just a little bit. Because SUBWAY COMMANDS YOU.
 
 
 
So far my greatest ally has been my passionate, unending love of cheese. I know, the great blocker of all that roughage is supposed help hustle through your digestive tract. They are karmic opposites in this, but it is through balance that one achieves enlightenment. At least that's what I think as I load up my wrap with cheddar cheese and a begrudging fistful of Baby Greens Spring Mix. What? At least I'm eating some of the damn stuff.

It's mine, my own; I made it. Hiss. [Gollum copyright]
 
Lunchtime Solution #1 is the Roughage Wrap -- lunchmeat, salad dressing, (as little) cheese (as possible) and greenery in a tortilla. Bonus points for the more virtuous diet wheat wraps. They don't taste bad, per se; it's just that the way they tear under your teeth leaves you fighting the instinctual reaction not to swallow, because that it is not a food texture.
 
 
Lunchtime Solution #2 is the Sans-Meat Sammich -- because cheese is even more important than meat in my sandwich. It's got garlic aioli and garlic Monterey cheese on a Kaiser bun with the usual essential greenery. The key to this one is very expensive high-quality cheese. It is muy delicioso, but the after-lunch breath will kill at forty paces if you don't keep mouthwash at your desk. Not, however, always a bad thing. Plus, it tastes as fancy as all get-out, and not like you're being punished at all. HUGE step towards that whole Enlightenment and Oneness with the Green Stuff thing.
 
They're all pretty good calorically, too, around the equal-to/less-than 400 baseline that I shoot for in my small meal of the day.
 

LoseIt pretty much tells me how much shame/pride to feel on a given day, and these midday greenery mini-meals have really helped the ratio tip in my favor. All you healthy blog ladies are probably all over this stuff anyway, so here ya go. The blind leading the sighted -- nonsensical, yes, but it should be hilarious.
 
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*Fun Hypocrisy Fact: I use essential oils all the time, instead of perfume, because the smell lasts longer. But not because they're helping my memory or curing my Doodler's Early-Onset Arthritis.


16 comments:

  1. I'm a cheater when it comes to fibre. I eat crappy, crappy stuff, then make sure to drink a glass of metamucil twice a day.

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    1. Oooh! Cheat codes! *takes notes* I am a cheating cheatster, tell me all about your devious ways. So I can steal them. Mwahahahaaa.

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  2. Ah, so you're restricting your calorie intake! No wonder you're slim. Should also help you live a longer and healthier life if humans are like mice. Mice like cheese too, so the omens are good!

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  3. cHEESE, glorious cheese.

    I've no other thoughts on this matter, as now I am thinking of cheese.

    Pearl

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    1. Let us all take a moment to reflect upon the glory. Ommmm...nomnomnom!

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  4. I can eat mountains of lettuce if a few pieces of cheese are hidden within. It's like the element of surprise makes me focus on the good, rather than the seriously healthy. But then, I actually like vegetables.

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    1. It's a superpower, be*leaf* me.

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  5. i have an ex-boyfriend that CANNOT STAND vegetables. it used to drive me crazy. he told me that he got his vegetables by proxy -- through the beef and chicken he ate all the time. LOL!

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  6. meaning: the cows and chickens ate vegetables, so he was getting veggies by proxy.

    I AM NOT EXPLAINING THIS WELL! sorry! my brain must be tired!

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    1. Totally knew what you meant, bud. You are precious, don't sweat it.

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  7. And now I want cheese. So much glorious cheeeeeeeese.

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  8. Cheese is the best part of life.

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    1. Sing it, sisters! I had no idea what good company I was in on this obsession - I am not alone. :D

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  9. Eat the veggies! I can't wrap my head around how anyone can not like them, but they're kind of the basis of my diet, so I might be biased. But really, they're good, and there's a lot of ways to prepare them that make them less veggie-like. Now that I have actual freetime, I'm going to be doing a lot of cooking this summer. We can experiment and see if we can find yummy, healthy meals that are simpatico with your diet plan. Also, ultra low-calorie vegan baked goods might be a thing that happens.

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  10. Interesting! I'm somewhere in between the extremes. I love vegetables truly and deeply (I've been a vegetarian for 17 years), but I also love potatoes and burritos and pizza. I scoff at the thought of a life without delicious foods like that. And I do like to exercise (hiking, jogging, etc.) but I'm certainly not a freak about it, and it's easy for me to fall off the wagon. Your mid-day meals sound yum!

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  11. impressive! it's interesting to hear your methods, because they actually sound SO do able!
    come enter this giveaway i am hosting from rendi! they're a sweet new charitable decor company :) http://anticipationblog.blogspot.com/2013/04/a-giveaway-from-rendi.html

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