Monday, April 1, 2013

Conspiracy: Feline Monitoring System

I'm pretty convinced that cats are actually kibble-munching, fuzzy-faced spy drones, gathering data on humans foolish enough to pay to take one (or two, or three) into their homes.

At first I thought they were a kind of good/evil thresher was the only way I could account for how a thing of such ineffable fluffy cuteness could generate such pure evil hatred as has been seen in her litter tray. It takes in resources, keeps all the adorable for itself, then sieves out the wretched remainder to deposit in the box. Makes sense, right? But I have recently been forced to reconsider my hypothesis.

It's the way she watches me through the clear part of the shower curtain, sitting nervously on the toilet seat lid -- she obviously doesn't want to be there, but bigods, it's her mission. She must see it through. She's probably programmed to self-destruct if she should fail.

She looks a little concerned for me, I think

And the way she always seems to materialize in my immediate vicinity whenever I have to do something dignity-compromising, like the pantyhose-hoisting dance. She just precipitates out of the ether to stare unblinking at my lady-gyrations, enormous yellow eyes giving me the absolute focus she cannot seem to muster when I'm doing something like, y'know, calling for her. Those perfectly round yellow lenses must be recording it all, sending transmissions out of that flat little kitty skull to the mothership.

Crazy, you say? But I know it's true. I can feel it; locked in a staring contest with this unblinking feline monitoring system, frozen in a deep knee-bend with elbows akimbo, rib-deep in infinitely expandable hosiery. She's recording the whole damn thing, I'm sure of it.

This is her judgy face; point-blank scrutiny from right inside my Bubble


  1. HAHA!!! WHY are cats SO INTERESTED in stupid little things, but can't seem to force themselves to respond when you actually call them?? Your cat's expressions are hilarious.

    1. Right?? Goin' out on a crazy cat lady limb here, but I swear they're brighter than they let on and are just screwing with us.

  2. All cats are spies. Some are better than others.



  3. Hahaha!! Fantastic! I get this 100%. Mine focuses her energy on clawing everything expensive that we own. Nothing else, just the expensive crap.

    Though come to think of it, she does spy a lot. And she always manages to witness the moments no human or animal ever should.

  4. TWIN CAT LADIES. Jmeoww looks exactly like her. Staring contests are usually the reason why I am nearly late for work every day.

  5. Those cats are pretty crazy little beings....just last night I was looking at pictures of our cats as kittens, and man, you can hardly recognize ours as the same animals they were before. But they each have quite distinct personalities....

  6. but she is SO CUTE!!!!!!!

    one of mine follows me into the bathroom every single time i use it. not to WATCH ME, thankfully, but he simply MUST have the shower turned on every stinking time so that he can lap up fresh running water while i take care of business. sigh. oh well.

  7. My lizard does this. He wears a perpetual "Whatcha doin'?" look if I so much as twitch in my bedroom. Mostly I find it endearing, but every once in a while I wake up in the middle of the night, the hairs on the back of my neck rising, and look over into unblinking reptilian eyes. I'm just glad he doesn't have thumbs.