Monday, October 22, 2012

I Will Survive This Winter OR: Squirrels Have Poor Time-Management Skills

I have started cooking. Like, actually cooking. With multiple ingredients and shit.
I know.

Something in my little mammal brain is telling me to stock up on food, fatten up and stuff my cheeks; I’m trying to fight it, but I haven’t been able to quite get back to target weight in about 2 weeks. It’s the fact that I have about 10 Double Stuf Oreos every night, when my will is weakest. It’s not even stuff, it’s Stuf; why am I eating this?! I usually couldn’t give two shits about dessert food. It’s the little mammal brain, I tell you.

I straight-up ruined the kitchen in my pursuit of beef stroganoff; I used every baking dish in the house in my pursuit of ALL the cherry pineapple cobbler; I used our entire Costco assorted-pastas bundle making epic amounts of pasta salad. Because the rodent running my mind says this will make all the difference; I look upon the serried rows of redundant foodstuffs, and the creature that lives deep within me says, Yes...I will survive this Winter.
I cannot even tell you about the pot pies. Oh, the flaky, golden, gooey pot pies…no.
Angels sang. And wept.
I’m broke, my kitchen’s a mess, and I’m still hungry. This is why you shouldn’t put a squirrel in charge of your home life…Their time management skills are atrocious, they scramble frantically around breaking/eating everything, and then they go into torpor and abandon you. Tiny, fluffy jerks, man.


  1. Poor squirrel-Kana. It just wants to survive the winter!

  2. With the extra weight I have, I could probably GO ALL WINTER without eating and still have some weight left!

  3. With ingredients and shit! Lol...I am doing the same...can't stop

  4. Meanwhile, back in Minneapolis, panicked women dash about their kitchens. "Where's the flour?! Where's the butter?! WHO THE HELL TOOK THE LAST BAG OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS AND DIDN'T TELL ME?!!"

    There's a seam-ripper in my future...


  5. Sounds to me like you need to evict the squirrels and get yourself a hoovering hamster.

  6. Poor miss Kana. On this side a little kiwi stared with wonder and awe as she was instructed on how to make scrambled eggs. It took three times before things could be explained in its mind clearer than 'magic'. The knowledge will be most useful when squirrel instinct wields the power of moderation.