I Will Survive This Winter OR: Squirrels Have Poor Time-Management Skills

I have started cooking. Like, actually cooking. With multiple ingredients and shit.

I know.

Something in my little mammal brain is telling me to stock up on food, fatten up and stuff my cheeks; I’m trying to fight it, but I haven’t been able to quite get back to target weight in about 2 weeks. It’s the fact that I have about 10 Double Stuf Oreos every night, when my will is weakest. It’s not even stuff, it’s Stuf; why am I eating this?! I usually couldn’t give two shits about dessert food. It’s the little mammal brain, I tell you.



I straight-up ruined the kitchen in my pursuit of beef stroganoff; I used every baking dish in the house in my pursuit of ALL the cherry pineapple cobbler; I used our entire Costco assorted-pastas bundle making epic amounts of pasta salad. Because the rodent running my mind says this will make all the difference; I look upon the serried rows of redundant foodstuffs, and the creature that lives deep within me says, Yes...I will survive this Winter.

I cannot even tell you about the pot pies. Oh, the flaky, golden, gooey pot pies…no.

Angels sang. And wept.

I’m broke, my kitchen’s a mess, and I’m still hungry. This is why you shouldn’t put a squirrel in charge of your home life…Their time management skills are atrocious, they scramble frantically around breaking/eating everything, and then they go into torpor and abandon you. Tiny, fluffy jerks, man.